The Post Where I Spill It

I said a {long} time ago that I was going to start being much more open on my blog. Talking about things that aren't easy to talk about. Well, here goes nothing...
Websters online dictionary defines the word DEPRESSION as "A mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity."
According to allaboutdepression.com, "Depression affects approximately 19 million Americans, or 9.5% of the population in any given one-year period. At some point in their lives, 10%-25% of women and 5%-12% of men will likely become clinically depressed. " That's a huge number. And that's people that are able to stand up, admit they have a problem, and seek medical help. I'm sure there's a rediculous amount of people that don't have the guts to get help. I, for one, have sought help.
I've gone to counseling. I've taken medication after medication. I can't even really pinpoint when it started, because it really kind of just sneaks up on you. When I first realized I had a problem, it was after I gave birth to my son, and found out my husband was cheating. These 2 events happened within 2 days of each other. Let's just say, my world was absolutely rocked. My legs were knocked out from under me. My emotional state began to spiral. I don't know if it was post-partum depression {which DOES exist!!!} or if it was due to my marriage problems, but it became a prominent part of my life. I had no energy. I was irritable. I turned to food to feel better, and in turn just felt even worse. I also began (and many of you don't know this) drinking my fair share of alcohol to try to ease the pain. I wanted to get help. I cried and cried and sobbed to my husband that I needed medicine. Basically his opinion was that I was crazy, it was all just in my head, and we couldn't afford to seek help. Couldn't afford medication. This just made things worse.
When we finally separated a year later, I began going to counseling. I went to the doctor and got medication. I had noone to answer to but myself, and I knew what had to be done. {Side note; don't EVER let ANYONE tell you that you're crazy, or that you can't get help!!!!!!} Things got slightly better, but it was a rollercoaster. I'd feel GREAT for awhile. Felt like things were coming around and everything would be ok. Then I'd come crashing back down when any little thing went wrong. If somebody cancelled plans, I'd sit and mope. If my friends were busy, I'd lay in bed and cry. Being a single momma to 2 beatiful kids, I struggled hardcore. On those nights that they were crabby or wouldn't listen, I'd sob. My thoughts rarely stretched beyond "I CANT DO THIS!".
I tried another medicine and things began to change. I felt better. I acted better. I was a better MOM. But I definately still had my moments. As life began to fall back into place, and I continued on my medication, I started to become my old self again. It felt great to have within my grasp that girl that I used to be. Carefree, fun, entertaining. It wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. I still had my ups and downs, but I did feel much better. I at least knew that I'd be okay.
I gradually weened myself off of my medication. {Don't do this! It's not good for you, it's not smart, and your doctor will say NOT to do it. I don't listen well, never have!} I felt like I had been on it long enough and things were better. I felt like I shouldn't need it anymore. For awhile I did okay, at least on the outside. I'm sure those close to me could tell I wasn't okay. But I hid it from most. I lied. I told everyone that things were getting better. I convinced myself that I was doing fine without medicine!
Well, folks, I've realized, I'm not doing okay!! I'm getting by, and I'm doing much better than I was 2 years ago, but depression is still a very large, unwelcome part of my life. That's a hard thing to admit. I realized that, more often than not, I feel alone. I can be in a room with other people, but I still feel very much alone. I have a huge support system, if I'd just be honest and ask for their support. But I've been playing the part of Billy Badass and trying to do it on my own. Now, common sense says that if you already feel alone, trying to change things on your own is only going to compound that feeling.
Today, I realized that I can't keep going this way. I have to turn to those closest to me and ask for their support. I have to see my friends more. I have to end some relationships and hopefully build some new ones. Some ties need to be cut. Some bridges need to be mended. I'm going to work on that. But I'm aware now. I'm trying. I'm looking out for myself and my kids. I'm doing what needs to be done.
See, depression doesn't just effect me. It effects every relationship I have. It strains them all. Who wants to be around someone who puts herself down and complains all the time? Who wants to listen to how bad my life is? I know there have been people over the years that I've pulled away from because they were so negative. They were too difficult to be around. Truth be told, that's probably me at this point! And I really don't want to be a negative impact on my kids! They deserve the best momma God ever created!
That all changes now. Today. I'm not going to try to forge relationships that aren't there. I'm not going to cling to something that is not mine to keep. I'm going to let the chips fall where they may, and I'll handle myself accordingly. I have set personal goals, and I know where I want to be. I know what I want in my life, and I am determined to get there. It's going to be a long road, I'm sure, but I'm going to get there! I'll get to that rainbow. I'll find that pot of gold. It may not be what I'm looking for today, but when I get there, I'll know it's right. I'll know I'm okay. And I'll be happy. Truly, sincerely, Happy. Shouldn't we all be so lucky?!