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Here's a few pictures that make me smile...

Saturday

A couple weeks ago, we got up on Saturday morning and I was debating what we could do. I called my Aunt Deb to see if/when her boys had basketball games, so the kids and I could go watch for a bit. Wasn't sure how this would go, since my kids aren't exactly great at sitting still for long periods of time.. ;) Anyway, we went and watched Gage's game, and then had a break before Cades game started. Deb, Mike, and I took my 2 kids and Dane down to the bakery to get donuts. They had a blast! Then we headed back to let them run around and 'play basketball'. It was adorable. When we first got to Gages game, Drew kept telling me he wanted to be a cheerleader. Not that I'm not all about equal rights and all that business, but I would kinda prefer him to play basketball, football, soccer, or even just be in the band! hehe! {hope that doesn't offend anyone! ;) } Anyway, the kids played, and Uncle Mike helped Drew dunk a couple times, and by the time Cades game started, Drew thought he could play too. On Cades team. We left before he made it on to the court, but from that point on, basketball is all he's talked about!! He even got a new basketball hoop for home, now! (thanks Grandpa & Grandma!) Anyway, here's some pictures of our morning...

walking to the bakery

enjoying donuts and chocolate milk

Yum!

playing basketball with Mike

Jordyn on the court

SLAM DUNK!!!

my future basketball player :)

He's 2!

Last Friday night, I was trying to take a picture of Drew. Just a picture, any picture. He's 2. He's SOOO 2!!! ;) Here's the 'photoshoot' results...

Yes, he's definately 2.

Out of the Mouths of Moms...

Well, it's been awhile since I've done one of these posts...since last August, I believe! Sometimes, as Mommas (parents) we hear some pretty crazy things come out of our own mouths. I'm no different, and tonight was by far no exception!! I am going to post the silly things that I heard myself say in the first HOUR I had my kids tonight... Truly, this was all within 1 hour. Followed by a priceless conversation with my 5 year old daughter!

Here goes:

• Drew! Get your head out of the toilet!
• Don't drink your juice out of the dinosaurs bottom!
• Guys, lets please don't drink the bathwater!
• No, you can't just put it in your mouth and spit it back out. Because we don't spit, it's not nice. No, we don't even spit in the bath.
• What do you say? ... Yes, I know you did burp, but what do you say? ... Excuse me is polite, 'I did burp' is not the polite thing to say.
• No, sweetie, you don't put your sister in time-out, that's up to Mommy. Well you can pretend to be mommy, but you still can't put her in time-out!
• You HAVE to get washed, that's the whole reason we take baths!

And now, this strangely sweet conversation with my innocent 5 year old:

Jordyn: When can I have a baby?

Me: Not until you're all grown up, married, and in love.

Jordyn: I AM in love!

Me: You're in love? With who?

Jordyn: With you!

Me: Aww, Well sweetie I love you too, but we can't have a baby together.

Thank goodness she didn't press any further! ;)

Have a good weekend, all!!!

XOXO ~ 3 Biberstines

It's About To Get Real...

*disclaimer* This post is pictureless. This post is real. This post is honest. This post may or may not keep your attention, and that's ok. I'm about to get very real with myself, and share things that aren't easy to share. This will leave me very open, raw, and exposed. But this needs to be done. I need to remember exactly who I am right now, so that I can grow to be SO MUCH BETTER! :) Read on if you're so inclined!!

If you're a reader of my blog, and have been for some time, you may remember 'Journey to Jennifer'. My attempt at discovering who I am, and becoming comfortable in my own skin, after my marriage dissolved and my depression kicked into high gear. This was, in my eyes, a failure. I have convinced myself, and many others, that I'm happy. I'm back to my old self. I'm content. But due to some circumstances in the last couple of days, I've really taken a closer look. Put myself under a microscope. And I don't like what I've found. I've convinced myself and many others that I'm okay now. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm back to my old self (or at least some version of that person). However, truth be told, I'M NOT.

Over the course of the last year and a half, I've had a handful of people call me out. Tell me that they don't think I'm over my (soon-to-be) ex husband. They all got the same answer - I am SO OVER HIM. I am/was very defensive. I do know that I am over him. That hasn't changed. There is no part of me that wishes we were still together. No part that wonders what might have been. No part that wishes my marriage wouldn't have dissolved. I know that I'm better off (or will be, in the grand scheme of things). I know that this is best. I know that our marriage was not much of a marriage by the end. I am, believe it or not, very content with the fact that my divorce will be final soon. In fact, I look forward to that date.

HOWEVER, that being said, I'm not happy. I'm not okay. I'm not content. I've realized in the last 48 hours, that I'm still very broken. My heart is still very bruised. I have not come to terms with the hurt that I endured, instead I've just tried to cover it up. If there's a stain on your carpet, you can put a rug over it, or position your furniture 'just right'. But when the day comes that you move, you rearrange, you move that couch, guess what. That stain is STILL THERE. It's still glaring you in the eye, just like it was before. You covered it for awhile, but it never went away. This is what I've attempted to do with my hurt. I believe this is what a LOT of people try to do with difficult times. We try to fill that void. We try to keep ourselves occupied. We try to convince others, and more unfortunately, we try to convince ourselves that we've moved on.

While I was still in my marriage, I never realized exactly how dependent I had become. I had let myself become controlled. Whether or not that was his intent for me, and I know it wasn't my intent, I let it happen. I let him dictate how things went. Where we went. Who we were with, etc. Truly, I don't know if he even realizes it had ended up that way. I know I didn't, until much later. Once we seperated, due to financial situations, I moved in with my brother. This seemed perfect to me. I could move on, surround myself with new situations, and opportunities. In reality, I just shifted my dependence. I shifted my comfort. I shifted MYSELF. Instead of my husband, I now had my brother to take care of many aspects of life. The little things: He took out the trash. He did some dishes, helped with my kids, was just there. In the house. I never really came to terms with what I was leaving behind in my marriage, because I just moved into another situation with another adult. Once I decided to move south, I moved in with my sister and brother-in-law. Again, moved into a new situation, with new adults, and I just rearranged that furniture. I tried to cover my hurt and pretend everything was finally ok.

Over the last almost 2 years, I've dated. I know that we don't all agree with this, and that's ok. We can agree to disagree. In my eyes, my marriage was over a long time ago. When we separated, we knew that there was no chance of reconciliation. After I thought I had 'moved on' I felt it was ok to begin dating. My divorce wasn't final, still isn't, legally. But it's been final for a LONG time emotionally. I've gotten rude, hateful comments on my blog in the past regarding this. Telling me how I can't point fingers at my ex for cheating when I'm dating before my divorce is final. That's fine, and I can see somewhat that point of view. However, I believe this is a whole different situation. My husband and I were not together when I began dating. He had chosen her, and I was left to pick up my pieces and move on. That's what I've attempted to do. SO, anyway, I've dated some. I have formed relationships with a handful of people, and I've done my best to convince them that I'm okay.

The most recent relationship I've been in, has opened my eyes. Feeling the way I do, is real. That part I don't doubt. However I've realized that I'm shifting that dependence again. Looking to someone else to make me happy. That's not going to work. I have to be happy with myself, before I can expect anyone else to be happy with me. I can't 'cling' to someone else to avoid being alone. I can't focus all of my energy on someone else to avoid looking my past in the eyes. I went to counseling for a short time after my marriage ended. Looking back, I don't believe I was really honest there either. I thought I was. I convinced myself, and my doctor, that I was. I convinced her that I was handling things like a rock star. In reality, I medicated myself and tried to put on this facade. It's worked to some degree, but it's time to get real. It's time to get honest. It's time to leave myself, as I said above, raw and exposed. I'm going to be moving back to my hometown in the next few months. My instinct was to find someone to live with. Wouldn't you know, I was trying my damndest to shift that dependence yet again.

Instead, I'll be getting my own apartment. Just me and my kids. I'll be taking the reigns in my life. I'll be depending on MYSELF to pull through. It's scary, but I feel so empowered right now, knowing what needs to be done. I've got to live with myself before I can expect anyone else to live with me. And I'm going to. I can't wait, actually. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it's got to be done. It needed to be done a long time ago. My life is about to change, big time, and I couldn't be more excited to see where this leads me!!!!! If you don't mind, say a prayer for me. Cross your fingers for me, or give me a one-fingered salute. Whatever floats your boat!! But, be ready to see changes. Because CHANGE is what is coming, and CHANGE is what I need! :)

Tot Ziens, 2010!

Tot Ziens, Adios, Sayonara, Farewell....What it boils down to is See ya later, 2010! What a short year with some long days, trying times, and fantastic memories!!! It's unreal to me that this year is over. SO much went on in the past year of my life. Good, bad, happy, sad. I've met some fantastic new friends that I'm so thankful for! Friends that have helped me (many of them without even realizing it!) to find myself, my happiness, my little place in this world. I have grown so much in the last year. We've said goodbye to some people in our lives, some willingly, some due to death. People that have impacted our lives in many ways, people we'll miss, and some that we were happy to see go and are better off without! {For the record, I'm not referring to anyone that passed away when I say people we were happy to see go!!!} ;) We've had ups and downs, ins and outs, good times and bad, sickness and health. But we're still here, I'm still here, and I am determined to come out on top yet again!!! 2010 was a year of change for me, and although it was GREAT in so many ways, I'm ecstatic to see what 2011 has to bring! Lots more changes coming, some of them I'm already getting planned. I hope that you all have a happy, healthy, wealthy, and all around phenomenal 2011! Ready or not, here it comes....and I say BRING IT ON!!!

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Here are Jordyn and Drew last year around this time...They've grown and changed so much, more visible with Drew, and I'm so blessed to have them and proud to call them my children!!!

**These two are my world. They are my purpose. They are my life. I will go to any length and do whatever I need to do, to keep them happy and healthy. I will make every sacrifice necessary to give them the lives they deserve. That being said, I will not stop defending, protecting, and loving my children. I'm their mother, and I'm not going anywhere. You have been warned! ;)

Happy New Year, all!!!

XOXO ~ 3 Biberstines

Lookin Back...

I'm sitting here looking back at old pictures, and thought I'd share a few. They saved very small, not sure why, but they're cute anyway!! They were all 3 taken around the end of August/beginning of September, 2007. Jordyn would have been about 23 months old, and Carter would have been about 28 months. Precious!! ;)