Today was kind of a big day for me. Really, nothing too exciting happened. Went to work, came home to work out, went and picked up the kids, dinner at Grandmas, and finally home for the evening. Nothing out of the ordinary. But the difference is on the inside. I am beginning a new phase of my life. I went to visit my sister this weekend, and through talking with her {whether she realizes it or not} I came to a realization. Nothing that I didn't 'know' before, but things that weren't in the forefront of my mind. Things I needed to look at within myself.
For the last several years, I have worn many hats. Fiance, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, friend. I know now, I forgot one of the most vital hats - ME! In looking back at me before I was married, there is a significant difference. Yes, I have grown and matured in huge ways, but that is normal. But beyond that, i used to be a carefree, laid-back, spunky, sassy kind of girl. Now I feel like I've lost touch with much of that side of me. I am much more short-tempered, impatiant, moody, stressed, and high strung. I understand why and how I've gotten to this point, but it's a place I don't want to be. A place nobody should want to be.
I feel as though I'm on a path of self destruction, and have been for some time. I went to counseling for a bit after my ex and I seperated. One of the things she asked me was what my hobbies are. I sat there for a moment and stared, pretty much stared through her. I felt stupid. I couldn't answer the question! I have no hobbies anymore. I put my family first, which is great, however I have neglected myself. I couldn't tell her what I enjoy doing in my spare time. I need to find and maintain a balance in my life. Obviously my children and family are my top priority, and that will not change. But I can't forget that I am a person too. I have let myself down, and forgotten who I am. I am not happy. I'm somewhat content, but not truly happy. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally, and not spiritually.
I have taken a long hard look at myself in the mirror, and I don't like what I 'see'. I have let myself go, on many levels. I am my own worst enemy, if you will. I don't consider myself judgemental of others, however I am extremely critical and judgemental of myself. I have very few good things to say about myself. I constantly put myself down and tear myself apart. This is extremely unhealthy behavior, and I'm aware of that. I know that I can't depend on someone else to make me happy, that is up to me.
Today begins my journey to 'find myself'. My Journey to Jennifer, I suppose. To find those quirky, happy go lucky traits that I used to love about myself. To be happy with who I am and where I've been. Until then, I can never expect to be happy with anyone else. i vow to be healthier. I want to go to church more, I want to compliment myself more, I want to eat better, I want to exercise, etc. You are what you eat, in many ways. I have used food as a crutch, a support, a comfort. This will stop. Now. If I feel I need a snack, it'll be an apple or banana. Lunches and dinners will be healthier, and smaller portions. I began a workout dvd tonight that I used to do every day. (I will feel it tomorrow...!!) I will find that person. I know I'm still in here, I just have to find my way out of this shell that i've created. I know I will face some hard times ahead. Confront things about myself that I have locked away to 'deal with later'. It's later. Now is the time. I will not continue on this path. I will redefine myself, and I will find true happiness. I deserve it!!
Now, I challenge you. Believe me, it's not easy to blog about this to all of you. I know I have a LOT of readers, and that is why I'm doing this. I'm hoping you all can help keep me on track. However, I would love to be a support to each and every one of you that want to become healthier. Whether you want to lose weight, tone up, find God, or confront your emotions. I am here. I'd love to have others join me on this journey, because we all deserve to be happy! I have said it before, I believe everyone deserves their own happily ever after. I am on the road to find mine. Care to join me?!
*{you can contact me on facebook, leave a comment, or email me at biberstines@hotmail.com!}*
For the last several years, I have worn many hats. Fiance, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, friend. I know now, I forgot one of the most vital hats - ME! In looking back at me before I was married, there is a significant difference. Yes, I have grown and matured in huge ways, but that is normal. But beyond that, i used to be a carefree, laid-back, spunky, sassy kind of girl. Now I feel like I've lost touch with much of that side of me. I am much more short-tempered, impatiant, moody, stressed, and high strung. I understand why and how I've gotten to this point, but it's a place I don't want to be. A place nobody should want to be.
I feel as though I'm on a path of self destruction, and have been for some time. I went to counseling for a bit after my ex and I seperated. One of the things she asked me was what my hobbies are. I sat there for a moment and stared, pretty much stared through her. I felt stupid. I couldn't answer the question! I have no hobbies anymore. I put my family first, which is great, however I have neglected myself. I couldn't tell her what I enjoy doing in my spare time. I need to find and maintain a balance in my life. Obviously my children and family are my top priority, and that will not change. But I can't forget that I am a person too. I have let myself down, and forgotten who I am. I am not happy. I'm somewhat content, but not truly happy. Not physically, not emotionally, not mentally, and not spiritually.
I have taken a long hard look at myself in the mirror, and I don't like what I 'see'. I have let myself go, on many levels. I am my own worst enemy, if you will. I don't consider myself judgemental of others, however I am extremely critical and judgemental of myself. I have very few good things to say about myself. I constantly put myself down and tear myself apart. This is extremely unhealthy behavior, and I'm aware of that. I know that I can't depend on someone else to make me happy, that is up to me.
Today begins my journey to 'find myself'. My Journey to Jennifer, I suppose. To find those quirky, happy go lucky traits that I used to love about myself. To be happy with who I am and where I've been. Until then, I can never expect to be happy with anyone else. i vow to be healthier. I want to go to church more, I want to compliment myself more, I want to eat better, I want to exercise, etc. You are what you eat, in many ways. I have used food as a crutch, a support, a comfort. This will stop. Now. If I feel I need a snack, it'll be an apple or banana. Lunches and dinners will be healthier, and smaller portions. I began a workout dvd tonight that I used to do every day. (I will feel it tomorrow...!!) I will find that person. I know I'm still in here, I just have to find my way out of this shell that i've created. I know I will face some hard times ahead. Confront things about myself that I have locked away to 'deal with later'. It's later. Now is the time. I will not continue on this path. I will redefine myself, and I will find true happiness. I deserve it!!
Now, I challenge you. Believe me, it's not easy to blog about this to all of you. I know I have a LOT of readers, and that is why I'm doing this. I'm hoping you all can help keep me on track. However, I would love to be a support to each and every one of you that want to become healthier. Whether you want to lose weight, tone up, find God, or confront your emotions. I am here. I'd love to have others join me on this journey, because we all deserve to be happy! I have said it before, I believe everyone deserves their own happily ever after. I am on the road to find mine. Care to join me?!
*{you can contact me on facebook, leave a comment, or email me at biberstines@hotmail.com!}*
4 comments:
i am so proud of you jen! i'm here to help and you know my story too, so you need anything i'm here! love ya girl!
I LOVE IT!!! I restarted my workout video tonight, also. We all have room to improve ourselves one way or another, but most of us just don't come out publicly and declare it. That is the most important step in your journey!! I will be with you all the way!!!!
Love, MOM
Jen, once again you amaze me! You are such a strong person! I'll be with you on your journey! I'm doing my workouts too. I'm here for ya babe!
That was a wonderful post..even brought tears to my eyes! :)
AWESOME! You and me SIS....all the way! You know I'm "there" for you even though I'm "here". I had a wonderful time with you this weekend...and I really hope to have those more often! I also have an external shell on that I'm not proud of...and Jillian Michaels is kickin' my rear to change that! I am with you...every step of the way! Love you tons...so proud to call you my SIS!
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