*disclaimer* This post is pictureless. This post is real. This post is honest. This post may or may not keep your attention, and that's ok. I'm about to get very real with myself, and share things that aren't easy to share. This will leave me very open, raw, and exposed. But this needs to be done. I need to remember exactly who I am right now, so that I can grow to be SO MUCH BETTER! :) Read on if you're so inclined!!
If you're a reader of my blog, and have been for some time, you may remember 'Journey to Jennifer'. My attempt at discovering who I am, and becoming comfortable in my own skin, after my marriage dissolved and my depression kicked into high gear. This was, in my eyes, a failure. I have convinced myself, and many others, that I'm happy. I'm back to my old self. I'm content. But due to some circumstances in the last couple of days, I've really taken a closer look. Put myself under a microscope. And I don't like what I've found. I've convinced myself and many others that I'm okay now. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm back to my old self (or at least some version of that person). However, truth be told, I'M NOT.
Over the course of the last year and a half, I've had a handful of people call me out. Tell me that they don't think I'm over my (soon-to-be) ex husband. They all got the same answer - I am SO OVER HIM. I am/was very defensive. I do know that I am over him. That hasn't changed. There is no part of me that wishes we were still together. No part that wonders what might have been. No part that wishes my marriage wouldn't have dissolved. I know that I'm better off (or will be, in the grand scheme of things). I know that this is best. I know that our marriage was not much of a marriage by the end. I am, believe it or not, very content with the fact that my divorce will be final soon. In fact, I look forward to that date.
HOWEVER, that being said, I'm not happy. I'm not okay. I'm not content. I've realized in the last 48 hours, that I'm still very broken. My heart is still very bruised. I have not come to terms with the hurt that I endured, instead I've just tried to cover it up. If there's a stain on your carpet, you can put a rug over it, or position your furniture 'just right'. But when the day comes that you move, you rearrange, you move that couch, guess what. That stain is STILL THERE. It's still glaring you in the eye, just like it was before. You covered it for awhile, but it never went away. This is what I've attempted to do with my hurt. I believe this is what a LOT of people try to do with difficult times. We try to fill that void. We try to keep ourselves occupied. We try to convince others, and more unfortunately, we try to convince ourselves that we've moved on.
While I was still in my marriage, I never realized exactly how dependent I had become. I had let myself become controlled. Whether or not that was his intent for me, and I know it wasn't my intent, I let it happen. I let him dictate how things went. Where we went. Who we were with, etc. Truly, I don't know if he even realizes it had ended up that way. I know I didn't, until much later. Once we seperated, due to financial situations, I moved in with my brother. This seemed perfect to me. I could move on, surround myself with new situations, and opportunities. In reality, I just shifted my dependence. I shifted my comfort. I shifted MYSELF. Instead of my husband, I now had my brother to take care of many aspects of life. The little things: He took out the trash. He did some dishes, helped with my kids, was just there. In the house. I never really came to terms with what I was leaving behind in my marriage, because I just moved into another situation with another adult. Once I decided to move south, I moved in with my sister and brother-in-law. Again, moved into a new situation, with new adults, and I just rearranged that furniture. I tried to cover my hurt and pretend everything was finally ok.
Over the last almost 2 years, I've dated. I know that we don't all agree with this, and that's ok. We can agree to disagree. In my eyes, my marriage was over a long time ago. When we separated, we knew that there was no chance of reconciliation. After I thought I had 'moved on' I felt it was ok to begin dating. My divorce wasn't final, still isn't, legally. But it's been final for a LONG time emotionally. I've gotten rude, hateful comments on my blog in the past regarding this. Telling me how I can't point fingers at my ex for cheating when I'm dating before my divorce is final. That's fine, and I can see somewhat that point of view. However, I believe this is a whole different situation. My husband and I were not together when I began dating. He had chosen her, and I was left to pick up my pieces and move on. That's what I've attempted to do. SO, anyway, I've dated some. I have formed relationships with a handful of people, and I've done my best to convince them that I'm okay.
The most recent relationship I've been in, has opened my eyes. Feeling the way I do, is real. That part I don't doubt. However I've realized that I'm shifting that dependence again. Looking to someone else to make me happy. That's not going to work. I have to be happy with myself, before I can expect anyone else to be happy with me. I can't 'cling' to someone else to avoid being alone. I can't focus all of my energy on someone else to avoid looking my past in the eyes. I went to counseling for a short time after my marriage ended. Looking back, I don't believe I was really honest there either. I thought I was. I convinced myself, and my doctor, that I was. I convinced her that I was handling things like a rock star. In reality, I medicated myself and tried to put on this facade. It's worked to some degree, but it's time to get real. It's time to get honest. It's time to leave myself, as I said above, raw and exposed. I'm going to be moving back to my hometown in the next few months. My instinct was to find someone to live with. Wouldn't you know, I was trying my damndest to shift that dependence yet again.
Instead, I'll be getting my own apartment. Just me and my kids. I'll be taking the reigns in my life. I'll be depending on MYSELF to pull through. It's scary, but I feel so empowered right now, knowing what needs to be done. I've got to live with myself before I can expect anyone else to live with me. And I'm going to. I can't wait, actually. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it's got to be done. It needed to be done a long time ago. My life is about to change, big time, and I couldn't be more excited to see where this leads me!!!!! If you don't mind, say a prayer for me. Cross your fingers for me, or give me a one-fingered salute. Whatever floats your boat!! But, be ready to see changes. Because CHANGE is what is coming, and CHANGE is what I need! :)
Jordyn trying on a safari hat 
Safari Drew!
Chillaxin on the hammock!
Pony ride!
Jordyn picked the big white horse..she was in love!
They tried to feed the giraffes, but it was early and they weren't coming up to the deck yet. Maybe next time...
So this totally just made me think...there will come a day, way too soon, that I'll be snapping pictures of Jordyn when she truly does get behind the wheel by herself. WOW...I'm not ready for that!!!
Train ride!
Jordyn on the train
Brushing the goats. They got to feed them as well... I think that's always the biggest hit! Maybe I should get some goats?!
