Not THAT Girl

This post is truly going to just be kind of a mess of rambling, I think. I've lately heard myself saying, more and more often, "I'm not THAT girl!". I know, to some people, it's nice to fit into a category. A mold. A stereotype. But I'm not THAT girl. I don't want to just blend in. I don't want to be lost among the crowd. But I also am not that outgoing, extrovert that can steal the show. (unless alcohol is involved...but that's a whole other ballgame...) See, I've wondered for over 2 years now, what happened to ME. I USED to be thinner. I USED to be happier. I USED to be {something else that I'm not now}. I craved the old me. I felt lost in this new body/personality/life. I wanted different things. I needed different things. I didn't know WHY. I just want to know WHY! Well, I've learned, that I am, indeed, a different person now. I've grown. I've matured. I've evolved. I've loved. I've lost. I've changed. I've become a new, different me. And I've decided, just now, that I'm okay with that!
If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I'd be today, I'd have said just married, maybe a kid on the way, with a great career and a terrific husband. Something to that effect. I promise, though, I would not have said "Divorced, single mom of two, single, living in an apartment and making less than a comfortable income." What child/teen dreams of this?! But see, life throws us curveballs. Constantly. I doubt anyone has the life they always dreamed about. The life they KNEW they would have. Things Change. Circumstances Change. People Change. The things I used to think were important, are no longer a priority. The things I used to KNOW I wanted, now seem silly. The qualities my husband/significant other HAD to have, are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
I am content with having little. Because, in reality, I have SO MUCH! We live in a small apartment, but it's FULL of LOVE. We have a hand-me-down kitchen table, but it's scarred with memories. We don't wear big labels, but we have plenty of clothes. We may not have it all, but we appreciate what we have. I may not provide a lavish lifestyle for myself or my kids, but we have everything we need, most of what we want, and our love and laughter overflows. It's not the big house, the white picket fence, the chocolate lab, the big family, the gorgeous spouse that brings happiness. In fact, I was more lonely as a married momma than I am now! It's not the material shit. It's not the fancy junk. It's not the size of the mortgage. It's what's inside. Inside the person, to be more specific. A house can be spilling over with the most incredible THINGS, but if the people are empty inside, the house will feel empty as well. Just like a person can be hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous/whatever, but they may feel totally worthless inside.
I don't have to be thin, I'm not THAT girl.
I don't have to have lots of money, I'm not THAT girl.
I don't need a big house. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't need an expensive car. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't want a huge family. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't wear expensive clothes. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't need a man. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't bite my tongue if you piss me off. I'm not THAT girl.
I won't let someone walk all over me. I'm not THAT girl.
I won't be told how to live my life. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't want to be someone else, have what they have, do what they do. I'm not THAT girl.
I don't have everything, I'm not THAT girl.
I DO have it all. I am THAT girl.
I'm not THAT girl. I'm THIS girl. And that is fine by me!

We Challenge YOU!

Alright, beginning this Tuesday, October 11, my amazing sister and I are beginning a challenge. We're both unhappy, although in different ways, with our bodies. I want to lose weight. My sister wants to tone up. We're going to be starting some of our FABULOUS products, to help us in our journey, along with diet and exercise. We'll be eating well. Very well. Salads, proteins, few carbs, and lots of good ole H2O!! We'll also be starting the 30 Day Shred. Now, I've begun this workout once before with a few friends, but we didn't do it long before we lost interest. This time, buddy, it's ON. I'm doing this for real. Erika is doing this for real. We'll be posting our journey each day (that's our intention, anyway) and let you know how it's going. How bad our bodies HURT, how bad we want a cheeseburger, how bad we want a nice cold beer!! And also how great we feel, how much energy we gain, how much weight/inches we lose!!! So now, our challenge to YOU... Join us!!! I don't have the 30 Day Shred dvd, so I'll be heading to Wal-Mart this weekend to get it. It looks like I can pick it up for under $10. $10 to get my rear end motivated and in shape?! Worth every penny!!! Grab the dvd, borrow it from someone, or find an online workout plan that fits your life! (Couch to 5K is phenomenal, also!) But lets get ourselves motivated. Lets get ourselves moving. Lets get ourselves in shape, healthy, and HOT!!!!! Will you join us?!?

Hoop Action With Grandma!

He Shoots...
He SCORES!!

I Think We're Alone Now...

For those of you that read my post about Depression, you may be able to guess where my path has led me in the last couple days. I said in that post, not to ever let anyone tell you depression isn't real. That it's all in your head. That you're crazy. Well, days after I wrote that post, I want to re-stress that point. DO NOT let anyone tell you it's all in your head! DO NOT let anyone tell you to suck it up! This, for me, is a deal breaker. If you can't support me, if you can't understand me, and if you can't handle me, then we need to walk away.
That's exactly what I've done. I've walked away from the relationship I was in. We had become more like friends than a couple, and we have very differing opinions on depression, among other things. I decided that the best thing for me and my kids, is to remove ourselves from the situation before it got too far. Sometimes the best decision isn't always the easiest. Sometimes people get hurt in the process of doing what's right overall. But I did what I feel needed to be done.
I sit here tonight, feeling very alone. But I know this is what had to happen. Things will get better. And sometimes you need to be alone to understand who you really are. To understand what is really, truly important in life, in a relationship, in a family. I'm preparing myself for this journey as a single mom, trying to grasp who she is. It'll be a long road, but in the end, I'll be able to love myself, and in turn, love someone else, entirely. You can't allow someone to love you if you don't love yourself. That's the road I'm traveling now. Learning to love me. Learning to live with me. Learning to like me. Learning to understand me. It's a path that I should have followed a long time ago, but the 'alone' feeling always overwhelmed me. I'm not going to let it this time. I think we're alone now, but I think this is right where we need to be!!!

Steppin Out In Style...

Yep...that's my girl!!!

Last Dose Of Summer

Since the weather has now turned chilly, fall is in the air, and the rain keeps on pouring down, I thought I'd give you all one last dose of summertime!! One of our favorite things to do this summer was run through the sprinkler on all of those super hot days! I kept forgetting to post these pictures, so maybe they'll bring you a bit of warmth now!

Bad.Ass.

Gorgeous.


Where on Earth does she get that sassiness?!?

There's my pretty girl!

If this smile doesn't make YOU smile, you just may have bigger problems!!

Love it!

On Your Mark...

:)

1 of the cutest faces ever created!

Seriously Mom, more pictures?!

Hope you had a great summer, and an even better Fall!!

The Post Where I Spill It

I said a {long} time ago that I was going to start being much more open on my blog. Talking about things that aren't easy to talk about. Well, here goes nothing...
Websters online dictionary defines the word DEPRESSION as "A mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity."
According to allaboutdepression.com, "Depression affects approximately 19 million Americans, or 9.5% of the population in any given one-year period. At some point in their lives, 10%-25% of women and 5%-12% of men will likely become clinically depressed. " That's a huge number. And that's people that are able to stand up, admit they have a problem, and seek medical help. I'm sure there's a rediculous amount of people that don't have the guts to get help. I, for one, have sought help.
I've gone to counseling. I've taken medication after medication. I can't even really pinpoint when it started, because it really kind of just sneaks up on you. When I first realized I had a problem, it was after I gave birth to my son, and found out my husband was cheating. These 2 events happened within 2 days of each other. Let's just say, my world was absolutely rocked. My legs were knocked out from under me. My emotional state began to spiral. I don't know if it was post-partum depression {which DOES exist!!!} or if it was due to my marriage problems, but it became a prominent part of my life. I had no energy. I was irritable. I turned to food to feel better, and in turn just felt even worse. I also began (and many of you don't know this) drinking my fair share of alcohol to try to ease the pain. I wanted to get help. I cried and cried and sobbed to my husband that I needed medicine. Basically his opinion was that I was crazy, it was all just in my head, and we couldn't afford to seek help. Couldn't afford medication. This just made things worse.
When we finally separated a year later, I began going to counseling. I went to the doctor and got medication. I had noone to answer to but myself, and I knew what had to be done. {Side note; don't EVER let ANYONE tell you that you're crazy, or that you can't get help!!!!!!} Things got slightly better, but it was a rollercoaster. I'd feel GREAT for awhile. Felt like things were coming around and everything would be ok. Then I'd come crashing back down when any little thing went wrong. If somebody cancelled plans, I'd sit and mope. If my friends were busy, I'd lay in bed and cry. Being a single momma to 2 beatiful kids, I struggled hardcore. On those nights that they were crabby or wouldn't listen, I'd sob. My thoughts rarely stretched beyond "I CANT DO THIS!".
I tried another medicine and things began to change. I felt better. I acted better. I was a better MOM. But I definately still had my moments. As life began to fall back into place, and I continued on my medication, I started to become my old self again. It felt great to have within my grasp that girl that I used to be. Carefree, fun, entertaining. It wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. I still had my ups and downs, but I did feel much better. I at least knew that I'd be okay.
I gradually weened myself off of my medication. {Don't do this! It's not good for you, it's not smart, and your doctor will say NOT to do it. I don't listen well, never have!} I felt like I had been on it long enough and things were better. I felt like I shouldn't need it anymore. For awhile I did okay, at least on the outside. I'm sure those close to me could tell I wasn't okay. But I hid it from most. I lied. I told everyone that things were getting better. I convinced myself that I was doing fine without medicine!
Well, folks, I've realized, I'm not doing okay!! I'm getting by, and I'm doing much better than I was 2 years ago, but depression is still a very large, unwelcome part of my life. That's a hard thing to admit. I realized that, more often than not, I feel alone. I can be in a room with other people, but I still feel very much alone. I have a huge support system, if I'd just be honest and ask for their support. But I've been playing the part of Billy Badass and trying to do it on my own. Now, common sense says that if you already feel alone, trying to change things on your own is only going to compound that feeling.
Today, I realized that I can't keep going this way. I have to turn to those closest to me and ask for their support. I have to see my friends more. I have to end some relationships and hopefully build some new ones. Some ties need to be cut. Some bridges need to be mended. I'm going to work on that. But I'm aware now. I'm trying. I'm looking out for myself and my kids. I'm doing what needs to be done.
See, depression doesn't just effect me. It effects every relationship I have. It strains them all. Who wants to be around someone who puts herself down and complains all the time? Who wants to listen to how bad my life is? I know there have been people over the years that I've pulled away from because they were so negative. They were too difficult to be around. Truth be told, that's probably me at this point! And I really don't want to be a negative impact on my kids! They deserve the best momma God ever created!
That all changes now. Today. I'm not going to try to forge relationships that aren't there. I'm not going to cling to something that is not mine to keep. I'm going to let the chips fall where they may, and I'll handle myself accordingly. I have set personal goals, and I know where I want to be. I know what I want in my life, and I am determined to get there. It's going to be a long road, I'm sure, but I'm going to get there! I'll get to that rainbow. I'll find that pot of gold. It may not be what I'm looking for today, but when I get there, I'll know it's right. I'll know I'm okay. And I'll be happy. Truly, sincerely, Happy. Shouldn't we all be so lucky?!